How to Hate Yourself and Do a Suicide: Complete Guide

Step one: getting along with the ideas

So, first thing you gonna do, is to start a 1 year marathon of non-stop thinking that you won’t success in future. Remember – you are stupid, and you don’t know anything. If you know a lot of things, you have to understand, that all that knowledge is completely useless, and won’t give you anything in future. I will give you a few minutes to get used to that thought. 

[2 minutes later]

Don’t celebrate any holidays, because: 1. They are completely useless, 2. it is basically a waste of time, and 3. it is a useless waste of money, and you will gonna need that money in future, because you are going to be no one, and you will need money for some drugs to call an overdose. It’s not that hard, believe me, I know.

Okay, guys, good job, nice, now when you got along with an idea that you will be nothing, analyze the passed year: what did you do? Nothing. You did something? Congrats, it’ll be useless for future. Remember one more thing, this is will be a bit more difficult, but you have to understand, that there is no god, and no one will help you. Okay, now you won’t be able to sleep or relax, because all the time you will be thinking of suicide, but we are too poltroon to do a suicide, so we will be just thinking of it. REMEMBER: NO SUICIDE. You have to suffer. It is your holy debt and responsibility, so forget about an actual suicide. Think of this 365 days every year.

Step two: pathetic tries

Now, you have to understand, that you still have time. Try to do something. Select a profile, choose a final destination and try to achieve it. So, to be nothing and nobody in the same time (idk what am I talking about), you must not success in anything you are trying to learn or understand, but this guide, of course. Okay, now, when you see that you have around 2 or 3 years to end the school and pass all the exams, you have to understand that you are hopeless, and anyways, no matter how bad you try, you won’t pass those final exams, and you will not be able to enter any university.

This topic was a bit short, because I wanted to show you a pathetic try to wright a long topic, or at least anything with sense.

Step three: most popular types of suicide

Okay, I am so sorry that you are as hopeless and useless as me, and you can’t do anything with it, so you and me, my comrade, are going to kill ourselves in a month or another, so prepare mentally. Live your last weeks, go do something good, kill our president, for example. For more atmospheric passing of time, I recommend you to buy some cigarettes, whiskey, and download Bitard671’s and Morphine’s discography. Light the cigarette, turn on Bitard671’s or Morphine’s songs (from Morphine I recommend such compositions as The Night, Let’s Take a Trip, Take Me With You,  Early to Bed and Cure for Pain for the finest atmosphere).

Now here you go some easy ways of suicide:

1    Overdose. Well, you know, the most filmographic and stupid way to end your life. You will have to drink a lot of drugs for sleeping, and wait around 4-6 hours while some organs will stop working, and you will choke and suffer your last hours. This is the most stupid way to kill yourself. I don’t recommend this way.

2   Cutting your veins off: not the worst way to kill yourself. Cut your veins off, wait around 15-25 minutes, and you are done. This is budgetary way to end your life, because you are going to spend like 15 cents, or something, to buy a razor. That’s all.

3  I believe you can fly: jump from a high place. This is kind of egoistic way to end your life, because you can insult some children showing them all your colorful inside life. From the other side, this is nice lesson of physics and biology, so go on, buddy, I believe in you.

4   .50 Express Action: this is my favorite way of suicide, all you need to do, is to find 750 euro, buy a Desert Eagle, sit more comfortable, aim to your head and pull the trigger. Nice brains, dude.

5   Rope: tie your neck with a strong rope, and strangle yourself. I actually tried, and that hurts, anyway, it won’t hurt for a long time, so don’t worry.

Well, this is the most mostest most used methods of suicide, if you know anything easier and shorter way to kill yourself, please feel free to comment and tell other hopeless people to know about it.

How far can you go?

First time I talked to someone who knew how to use a magic thing called brain was my father, and first we talked maturely when I was 7. We were talking about chess and about some life stuff that was so strange for me back in 2006. And even then I was thinking about religion, asking questions but not getting the answers. Later I realized that nobody has the answers, so about a year or two later, after a lot of time I was thinking about religion, and the cause of people believed in something, which existence was not proved I became an atheist.

So, at the age of 9 my father sent me an encyclopedia in Russian and I started reading about our body and brain construction (still remember that the most interesting chapter was the chapter about visual delusions) and started talking to a lot of people that knew a lot about human body and brain I was lucky I have an uncle who is a doctor, and a father who knows a lot about religion, chemistry and physics, so I could satisfy my curiosity.

Some time later, after 7 books about science, 0.3 books of a delirium called religion, 2 books about art, a book of history of machines and guns and 3 books which helped in improving my English a lot, I’ve got a thing called internet. Well, I didn’t actually know what to do with it, but I knew how to download games and some applications, like Adobe Photoshop 2.0. I downloaded 2 games about Pink Panther which once again helped me to improve my Russian. So, I could speak Russian as well. My Russian was really-really bad, but at least I could talk to human beings from another point of the earth. So I started to talk to a lot of Russians. Actually at the age of 5 I already knew Russian and could understand as well, but I couldn’t talk in Russian as slightly as now or when I was 13, so. Yeah.

Now a bit about my English progress way. So I was a 9 years old kid, I was at the third grade, all the school stuff was really boring, and I still remember that I was arguing with our art teacher. Once when I was watching TV, I saw a strange-looking family. The TV series called The Simpsons was broadcasted in English with English subtitles. My mother knew English well, so she translated for me a couple of series, after which I associated Lisa with me, and started learning English to understand that wonderful TV series. I had the best English teacher in the world, her name was miss Esta. Pity I don’t know her full name, we just called her miss Esta. Lusine MLKE and me knew English better than the others in our class, so I was in competition with her all the time, but she was way better than me. So I was trying harder. Well, it appeared I talked to people in English as well. My English knowledge were pathetic, but I had stimulation: I had a goal and I wasn’t going to surrender.

At the age of 10 I saw Lisa playing saxophone, and I really liked that musical instrument, so I’ve entered musical school and started my saxophone classes. I liked the instrument a lot, so I wasn’t going to leave my musical hobby on the halfway. Some time later I’ve found a guy in our school who also went to saxophone classes, sometimes I talked to him about… Guess what? If you didn’t you probably have some brain defects. Sorry for that.
…So, now I had a nice circle of communication, and the internet, so I could find out anything I want. I was reading a lot about some science stuff. At the age of 14 I started to read about psychology, and that was a period when being a psychology expert and everybody went like “OH. MY. GOD. Did you see that?! He scratched his neck! What could it mean?! It’s impossible that his neck was just itchy, I think he is going to hack pentagon servers and kill the president of the USA. Damn I’m smart.”. Later I started to read more about neurobiology and learning by heart properties of some hormones like dopamine, serotonin and other neurotransmitters. And this is the way of my progress. A little percentage of it, because I didn’t talk about all the books that I have read like Richard Dawkin’s The God Delusion or Dante Alighieri’s The Divine Comedy.

Highlights | Pull the Trigger!